Burnt out

I have been sitting on a where I am at post for a few weeks now. I tried to write it. I tried to do a lot of other non-blog related things too. But I couldn’t. I was burnt out. I could barely get out of bed. I had no appetite. I was exhausted. I cried… a lot. I felt miserable, physically and mentally.

So I slept.
And I slept.

Not once last week did I make it to lab before noon.
Well, actually that’s a lie… One day I made it in at 11:45am and I celebrated that.

I was gentle on myself. Well maybe not the first few days. But after that I was. I let go of (most of) the guilt. I let myself sleep in. I let myself take my time coming into lab. I ordered food that I really, really love and let myself be okay just having a few bites. I had easy goals for myself like simply getting out of bed and going to lab. Easy goals of doing the bare minimum in lab like feeding my cells and checking my email. Easy goals at home like watching a new TV show or playing Animal Crossing instead of just crying. I really liked the Maid and Sweet Tooth by the way in case you’re looking for this suggestions.

I took it easy because I knew this would pass.
How did I know this would pass?
Because this isn’t the first time, I’ve felt really down.
Probably won’t be the last

And then this weekend, I felt better. Not 100%. But better.
Much better.
I woke up early and got out of bed early on my own.
Instead of running with my running partner, we walked our favorite trail instead.
I ate a giant burger last night for dinner. It took two sittings but I ate all of it minus one bite.
And I ate a half a donut for dessert.

Then today,
Today I woke up early.
Easily, feeling mostly well.
And at lunch time, I was hungry.
I actually craved something, a bacon, egg and cheese.
So I walked and got myself one.

Anyway, I’m looking forward to writing and posting my where I am at post soon.

First draft of a poem I wrote back in August

In our desires to conquer
We lost the learnings of harmony
We lost the language of love
We created war
War with ourselves
War with Mother Nature
We forgot the past
The beauty
The easy life
We created destruction
And when we ran out of physical destruction
We moved to the mental
Emotional
Spiritual
We enslaved ourselves
Until…

Trying to clean up some files and I found this poem I wrote last December when I basically called it quits on dating apps. It’s terrible but it makes me laugh because it was so true. Thank goodness I found Rob because dating really sucks!

Poems for millennials

Swipe left
Swipe left
Swipe left
I guess I’m dying alone

Tech bros into techno
Heck no

The same faces
In the same spaces
For years and years