I think I want to do more of this – unedited, stream of conscious. I think? But I am also in a mood. This mood:
I have that depression that comes the day after drinking Malaise Malaise of the soul When did this start happening? Did I always have it? I didn’t start noticing it until maybe grad school Previously I had anxiety Anxiety of how did I embarrass myself last night And it typically was a valid question But let’s not discuss that now.
I think since the day I woke up with so much discontentment in my job My career The one I have been pursuing for the last decade And in theory could say has been successful Does not feel successful It feels like I have set myself up for failure To be somewhere else What I dreamed for is not here It’s there But I don’t know where there is Nor will I ever figure it out Because I will be stuck here Forever
Okay, so maybe I am being a bit dramatic I do have some interviews calls I am working on leaving But the aftermath of last night’s tequila Makes me feel I will never escape
And maybe my unease Also stems from the fact I gave up my celibacy last night My celibacy That had a goal That I did not meet Yet maybe I did? Maybe I don’t want to have sex again Maybe I don’t want to have intimacy Maybe I want to move back home To the Midwest I miss it there Or I miss something And I’m lying to myself Saying it’s there Because Well I need a plan And planning to go back Is something And it’s far enough off (I signed a two year lease) That I can pretend I am being intentional While really I am being avoidant
Did you know that I have a reminder every other Wednesday to write one of these posts? Probably not, since I never seem to follow that schedule. But I would like to. I really would like to.
I love writing. I have so many ideas that I would like to create a sequence of words for. Yet most are just jotted notes disorganized between my journal, scrap papers scattered about, and my Google Keep.
Speaking of disorganized, that is how this post will be. Just a scattered stream of consciousness. The only way I know how to be conscious.
24 days until the half marathon. And you know what, I am not sure if I will even run it. I haven’t decided yet. TBD. I have not started to run at all yet this season. I would like to. I miss running. But I just haven’t.
So what has happened in this past month…
Hmmm, I don’t even know if I could tell ya. I am a bit anxious next week is already November. Not for any reason other than I feel like my life is really speeding by and I would like to slow it down.
I quit my role as treasurer for the postdoc association. I realized just how much I hated the position – so why was I doing it? The president is both incompetent and a dick. Like dude, you can’t be both. If you suck at your job, you at least gotta be nice. I was tired of the ineptitude, the disorganization, and his condescension. I have emails that evidence it. Stories from many that evidence it. Like dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?
Also what the fuck is wrong with everyone else who just dismisses his behavior as “oh that’s just him…” Like what? Like yes, you’re correct. That’s just him. But what? You’re just gonna roll over and act like his behavior is okay?
I truly feel to some degree gaslit at Jefferson. Between the aforementioned, various other instances, and people excusing my boss’ often inappropriate behavior of how that’s just him… “Get used to it.”
Absolutely not. I will not get used to it. I will always say something. I will always push back. Like yes, I don’t hold on to it because I care about myself but you best believe I’m gonna say something before I let it go. People here are truly wild. I miss my peers where they would also push back. Nothing spells hellscape to me quite like subservience. Have you met me?
Also the irony! Isn’t the selling point of academia the freedom of subservience? What a fucking joke. I have more written on this but that’s not the point of this post so I will save it for another post. Or more likely it will just be lost somewhere on a scrap of paper.
Anyway, since I woke up one morning after a date* (*remember this because I want to circle back to this) and just quit that treasurer role effective immediately. I have started to toss more of my metaphorical shit in the trash. Or maybe I should say I am in an age of divestment – seems a lot more professional (see post/poem: Mood). This also includes my postdoc. I am no longer on the roller coaster of should I leave, should I stay a bit, should I not leave. I am committed to actually leaving. I am actively applying to positions outside of academia. And some within, but solely teaching. I just do not want to do research anymore. And it’s sad because it’s not necessarily that I don’t want to do research, I don’t want to subjected to the system that encompasses research. Like obviously I have long heard of the adage “Publish or Perish” but with time and experience, wow does that have new meaning.
*Okay, circling back to dating. So that date in particular really inspired my quitting the treasurer role. Our plans were just to meet up for a few beers and commiserate life. I had texted about my disdain for the postdoc association and lamented how I’d be attending the e-board meeting just prior to our date and that I was going to give the president a piece of my mind. Well, I didn’t. I actually just agreed to everything the postdoc association president said aka him wanting me to do his work for him. Then I showed up to the date and he asked about how the meeting went. And I was like “I dunno man, I was too tired.” And he was like “Hmm, that doesn’t sound like you.” Or something like that. Anyway, we moved on to other subjects. But then at 5am or whatever other disgustingly, ungodly hour my body flung me from my refuge of unconsciousness, I was ruminating on wow, a stranger, a complete stranger questioned me on something not being me and was soooooooooo totally right about it. Why did I just give in? Well the answer is because I am so incredibly fucking burnt out. Just so much easier to say yes. So much easier to do the work myself then rely on someone incompetent. And as I was angrily ruminating, I realized but this is work that I just don’t even need to do. So I sent an email quitting immediately at a slightly later but still ungodly hour. And I have zero regrets. In fact, I feel incredibly free by this choice. And had I not made it I would probably be wasting my brain cells in a meeting right now.
And yes, I have gone on four dates now with that guy and we text everyday. And we have future plans lined up. A man I find tolerable. Imagine that. We will see how long that lasts. But convincing me to go on more than one date, let alone four is something.
The farmer’s market is slowing way down which I am looking forward to. Although I have a crush on one person there that I am planning to ask out at my last market. We’ll see if I actually do. Or maybe I will save it for next year in case four dates guy keeps convincing me to go on more. Also if you’re curious where this crush comes from, it’s because they give me muffins. And I do like muffins. I don’t know what to say. I am a simple creature. You want me to have a crush on you? Give me any sort of attention.
Hmm, what else, what else?
I dog sat at the end of last month. I do love pet sitting. All the joys of pets but temporarily. Charlie and I went on many adventures.
My good friend got engaged so I went to her surprise engagement party. Her brother, uncle and I were making bets if she was actually going to say yes. She did!
If you missed it you can check out my cool apartment set up and quick update on the housewarming I had here.
I went to some amazing women in STEM events at the American Philosophical Society. I cannot tell you how much I love that this place is available to me in Philly. They have some incredible events and they are all free. The play “Emilie: La Marquise du Chatelet Defends Her Life Tonight” was beyond incredible! I wish it was touring so I could encourage you to go, but unfortunately it’s not. Also the all day symposium discussing issues with women in STEM was refreshing. While I was so incredibly excited to leave SBU/grad school and come to Jefferson to not feel siloed in my work, which I don’t, I’m surrounded by incredible mitochondrial researchers, it’s been replaced by feeling siloed as a woman. Don’t get me wrong, there are *some* women here. But it’s just different. And by different I mean it negatively. SBU was a much better place at supporting women. Actually, SBU was a much better place in general.
Two weekends ago, I had a fabulous time once again doing a STEM outreach program for middle school girls at the community college. Except this year, I ran my own session with the help of my postdoc coworker, Steve. We did the booger lab. At least that is what I affectionately call my strawberry DNA lab. It’s literally my favorite lab ever. Honestly great for all ages. You can do it at home if you’re interested. Well the girls loved it! They loved it so much that one of the parents emailed us to let us know that their girls can’t stop talking about strawberry DNA and want to do it for the science fair and thanked us for inspiring them. You are very welcome! This is literally what I live for.
This past weekend, I went to the zoo with my friend and her kid for a Halloween event. As with pets, all the joys of kids but temporarily. Also I got some fun comments on my costume as I ran errands the rest of the afternoon in Fishtown with it on. And by errands I mean getting matcha and going to yoga. These are what errands are for single, childless 30 something year olds and its fantastic!
I think that covers it all? I also did some research in there. I think? I hope… Speaking of hope, hopefully my next post will also be on time (aka two Wednesdays from now) and you’ll see beautiful photos of the hiking I am going to do this weekend. Although maybe not because the weather is not cooperating.
It’s been a hot minute since I’ve written a poem. But today the creative juices are really flowing – I haven’t decided if I’m depressed or manic. Anyway, here is what I wrote on my bus ride to work – a place that inspires great frustration. Also the main topic of this morning’s therapy session.
Candid Cerebrations 