Where I am at these days

Physically, I’ve mostly been at my lab bench trying to collect data. But I’ve also been making sure to get in my regular dose of being in the woods.

Mentally, I’ve been pretty alright actually.

While I haven’t been blogging regularly, although I’d like to get back to it (hmm, have I ever truly blogged consistently?!), I have been journaling almost daily.

Shortly, after my last post I canceled my flight home. Honestly, canceling gave me such relief. It ended the constant worry about if I should or should not go. I am bummed that I am prolonging seeing my family but I will see them soon. I’m hoping to go out some time in the late spring when the peak is over. I don’t really mind missing the holidays as that is actually pretty normal for me, but I do feel for so many others where being away from family for the holidays is hard.

Apparently the wedding my roommate went to didn’t have a reception. But then afterwards she went and did indoor dining with a group of friends. Like why? But not my place to tell her what to do. But I can control what I do so I avoid her. She also went to the mall to go shopping. I’m not really thrilled with her choices. But at the end of the day, they are her choices. I am looking forward to all my roommates going away for Christmas break. It was nice having the house to myself for four days for when they were gone over Thanksgiving break.

My ex harassed me. And yes, harassed is the right term. I always would minimize and excuse his bad behaviors but now I’m calling them what they are. He had emailed letting me know he had COVID on the 7th. Which I ignored because well I am not sure what he wanted me to say, he didn’t ask me anything but he did tell me I “wasn’t all that bad”. Like gee, thanks! I will be honest, I did laugh because I had warned him his behaviors were putting him and me at risk when we were living together but he dismissed my feelings as he always did. So thank you for the validation! Well I guess he really wanted a response because then he texted me, Whatsapped me, and texted me from a different number a week later on the 14th. All basically saying that he was sick and wanted attention and begging to be unblocked. Like sir, you’re not blocked, you just haven’t said anything that dignifies a response. Not once did any of his messages include apologizing or acknowledging he had ever been extremely hurtful during this breakup, not once did he ask me how I was, but he did include many subtle jabs in them. Anyway, my lack of response because why would I respond to that crap caused him to flare up and tell me how shitty of a person I was and that I was selfish and that obviously, I was full of shit in our relationship when I told him how much I cared about him. This pissed me off and had me on edge for quite a few days ruminating. But the more I thought about it the more I was able to process the reality. I am not being selfish, this is self preservation. These are boundaries I am enforcing and I will not be made to feel bad for it. Also I did really care about him in our relationship but we broke up MONTHS ago. I am not obligated to care about him for life. And I do still care in the sense, I don’t want bad things to happen to him. But also I don’t care enough to be involved. I am sorry that this relationship had to end with me never speaking to him again but that was his choice. I wanted to end on good terms, I wanted to still be able to be in contact here and there. But he chose to be nasty so I chose to put myself which means no contact. (For the record, I am not in regular contact with any of my exes but I am on good enough with them and have had contact here and there over the years).

My father had COVID but is now fine. He was my worst fear as he is type 2 diabetic so now that it is over I am kind of relieved. He started feeling unwell the weekend of the 14th/15th. He had a fever, cough and headaches. The headaches were concerning as this man NEVER gets headaches. After my mother begged him (probably yelled at him), he went for testing on the 17th. His positive test results came back on the 20th. But by the time the positive results came back he was mostly feeling fine. Although, I was still worried about that second week harder hit but it never came. He still has a slight lingering cough. But he was checked out by his primary care doctor and his lung function is totally fine. My dad didn’t isolate from my mother and sister, no surprise. He gets bored easily and likes company. My mother seems unaffected. Her tests were negative. My sister felt fatigued for a day but her rapid test was negative so unclear if it was COVID related or if it was just the fatigue all of us have been feeling here and there because we are in the middle of a pandemic. But they all properly completed the quarantine and are allowed their freedom again.

I signed up for Breakneck Trail Half May 8th. I love this race. I haven’t run a race since spring 2019 and it has been sorely missed. I am looking forward to having something to train for again. And I will need to really train for this race; this race has always kicked my ass. It truly is the most difficult race I have ever done, definitely more difficult than a road full marathon. But I live for the challenge. Also the views are spectacular. And I am most looking forward to seeing my running friends.

Lastly, please admire my desk (altar). I added more plants and I couldn’t be more happy.

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