It’s funny how discontent in one area of your life can slowly seep into the rest and drive you crazy. I left Minnesota a year ago because I was not content in my relationship. And I’m still not content with my relationships. Or my job (working on it – haha no pun intended). Or a lot of facets of my life. But I want to change that. I’m going to change that. It’s decision time.
Coming to NYC was a very good decision career-wise until I started doubting my career plans. My plans had always been centered around getting a Ph.D. and delving deeper into academia. Then I met my good friend, Y who is a post-doc in the field I want to pursue. Seeing her present was a glimpse into my future. And let’s just say it’s not always that pretty and I became discouraged. I started considering an out. What else could I do?
I introduced the idea of patent law. The idea of going back to school for only 3 years vs 5 was appealing. Not to mention the allure of the potential salary as a patent attorney vs slaving away as an underpaid post-doc with limited hope of getting onto the tenure track. I did my research, I made my pros and cons lists, but I was stuck. I didn’t know what to do. I asked my mom and dad to make the decision for me. They said no. My uncertainty about my future started seeping into my present. My job right now isn’t the most glamorous but is a great stepping stone toward academia. To be honest, the pay really sucks and my she-boss (I have two bosses: the she-boss and the he-boss) micro-manages like crazy but it’s worth it for the experience that I’m getting. But experience is only worth so much and if I’m not going to go into academia, why am I torturing myself with my current underpaid position?
And I have been driving myself crazy with that question for the past few months. I realized, I’ve been mulling over the dilemma of which program I will apply to for quite some time (close to a year) and I’ve decided enough is enough, I need to make a decision.
So I did. Today. I’m sticking with the Ph.D. route. If I decide later to leave for patent law, it will be (significantly) easier than going the reverse route and trying to return. Not to mention, cheaper – the one benefit of pursuing science over law is the free education.
I really thank my Friday night Tinder date for helping me reach and feel content with this decision. My date posed the question of “Why not? It’s free. Decide later” to the idea of pursuing a Ph.D. and potentially having it be the wrong decision. I think he also made a comment about how I was over-thinking it. Me? Over-thinking? …What?
Speaking of Tinder dates. I deleted Tinder this morning. That’s right. I did. It’s oddly addicting. I’ve been on over 40 dates since moving here. And I tired of them. One of my new year resolutions is to have more meaningful relationships which was a nice way of saying I wanted to sleep around less. Which I have been following (kinda) because I got into a FWB situation to meet those needs. He means a lot to me and I would consider it a meaningful relationship but it has no potential for a future (don’t worry, he knows this and we’re on the same page). While I enjoy making supper together and having someone to cuddle with while watching Netflix, I realize I want a real relationship (I’m ready), no more of this faux boyfriend stuff (that’s actually what my friends and I call him).
I was afraid of starting anything real because I didn’t know where I will be next year. I still don’t. But then again, who does. I asked what was the point of having a boyfriend if I was just going to leave? What if he doesn’t come with me? My friends would counter with but what if he does? Or more often the why don’t you cross this bridge when (if) you come to it. So I’ve decided I’m finally going to listen. I’m going to do what I want and chill out with the worrying about the future and how it may or may not affect my currently non-existent boyfriend. Hmmm, maybe I am an over-thinker…
Anyway disclosure time, I have been going on dates with other people while in this FWB relationship (scandalous, I know). And I’ve met two men recently with potential to be the real deal. So I’m going to take my time getting to know them and let things grow organically. That means no jumping into the sack with them (sorry libido). And no jumping into the sack with anyone else (sorry faux bf, that means you). And no more dates with other men because I really don’t need anymore choices. And more importantly, no over-thinking it.
KISS = Keep it simple, Stupid!